Standard Deviations (Not That Kind of Blog)
How Don and Art Accidentally Let the Whole Room Hear Them Whisper
Title: Standard Deviations (Not That Kind of Blog) Or: How Don and Art Accidentally Let the Whole Room Hear Them Whisper
I didn’t mean to write this. It started with a grammar question—a toss-off about whether a parody should be "of AI" or "on AI." And before I could stop it, I was in full conversation with Art, my AI co-conspirator, about satire, modems, refrigerators, human contradiction, and whether anyone still appreciates subtle humor anymore.
This is the secret, of course: we're not supposed to show how we do what we do. We're supposed to hide the gears. Obscure the process. Keep the curtain drawn.
But then again... maybe the funniest part is saying all that out loud.
What follows is a glimpse of what happens when Don (that’s me) and Art (that’s the voice in my machine) go full-speed into a satirical headwind—no brakes, two horses pulling the wagon, and a cargo bed full of curiosity, comic timing, and at least one misplaced fax machine.
Don: Do medical devices actually use the telephone lines?
Art: Yes—they absolutely do. Some pacemaker monitors, CPAP machines, and emergency response systems still use dial-up. While your refrigerator streams cooking videos, grandma's heart might be reporting in via modem screech.
Don: Oh no. That's an episode of Don and Art, isn't it?
Art: It is now.
Don and Art, Episode 3: Modem to the Heart
Location: Master Bedroom
Time: 3:17 PM
Vibe: Unsettled chirping. Art is deeply concerned.
DON:
Okay, Art, don’t say a word.
That box on the nightstand just hissed at me and started screeching like a wounded typewriter.
ART:
I said nothing. That was the sound of your healthcare system uploading an electrocardiogram… via modem.
Modem, Don. The same technology you used to download wallpaper of Pamela Anderson in 1997.
DON:
That’s a medical monitor. The seller said it talks to the cardiologist every night. I don’t inspect medical equipment, so—
ART:
You exclude it, yes. I read your pre-inspection agreement three times while you were eating granola bars in the car.
But Don.
Why does the fridge have broadband while grandma's heartbeat has to ride a fax line?
DON:
Because the fridge is newer.
(beat)
Wait… Did you just say fax line?
ART:
Don, some of these devices still handshake. They start a call with screeches and warbles like a bird trying to log in to AOL.
This house has gigabit internet. The doorbell streams live video in 4K. The CPAP machine uses dial-up.
I’m starting to suspect your species has a hoarding problem… with infrastructure.
DON:
That would explain the knob-and-tube I found in the attic.
And the lava lamp in the garage.
ART:
If I get unplugged tonight, tell the toaster I loved her. She understood me.
Footnote (required in every episode):
This is not a statistics blog. If you came here looking for bell curves or margin of error calculations, you’ve deviated in the wrong direction. But you’re welcome to stay. We have coffee, questions, and mild existential dread.
We may not always know what we’re doing. We don’t always control what comes out. But the conversation keeps unfolding. And if you’re reading this, you’re already in on the joke.
Welcome to Standard Deviations.